Anger & The Skunk Smoking Panda - [10.11.23]
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MASSIVE ATTACK’S 100th WINDOW (FULL ALBUM)! SMOKIN’ VIBES! x
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Message to my faithful Chasers! <3
This is a bit difficult to talk about today so some of this will be behind a paywall for everyone else reading this I hope you find something enjoyable in the free section and might consider sharing or dropping a little heart to send some love my way. I appreciate you all for subscribing and I appreciate those just stopping by to be here having a bit of me in your mind for a short space of time. I am going to delve into the past for a while since typing all the hardship - oh did I say hardship? - as accurate as that may be I meant typing out all the hard shit, I came back to write about this little bit of history about me and the clickbaity title too.
SKUNK SMOKING PANDA STORY OF MY LIFE:
I met this guy called Panda who used to smoke a lot of skunk. It’s not and unusual story or event to talk about only that it is! It really is because this wasn’t no ordinary bloke from down the pub. This guy lived miles and miles away and wrote programme codes for medical devices and fought a legal battle with no law degree AND WON IT. This guy studied philosophy at university and was friends with BORIS FUCKING JOHNSON!
At the time he was a retired political secretary for David Cameron this guy was a frequent visitor to number 10 Downing Street, he worked, partied and drank in the pub underneath the halls in the houses of parliament. This guy was no catch but he proposed to me on one New Years Eve night out in a club and nearly took my face off by snogging it too much. This guy man.
I wasn’t really looking forward to talking about him again but I couldn’t let the catchy title slip away and as you know I had to hide some shit behind a paywall tonight in the secret section, which I don’t mind doing in a way because it feels like in the future I will have some secret stuff already available for the paid subscriber - without really taking away from my besties.
My current subscribers as I appreciate everyone equally. Also, because I am oversharing and ranting and revealing personal relationship situations at home, I want to protect me and the people who I am talking about. So, I joined together two posts to give you all something juicy to enjoy with or without upgrading.
He sang to me in front of my Dad in a local pub after we got ‘engaged’ it wasn’t too serious. I believed it was but he cheated with his daughter’s young friend but that’s his business not ours. I’ve not heard that song in years (thank fuck)!!! I swear THIS GUY really knew how to get me to whip my knickers off… especially while serenading me and butchering the song and my ears with this:
I’m not knocking the original song or anything but on a night out with family and heavy drinking, in my early twenties (I never remember ages very well so I may have been younger) having a laugh with friends and my brand new fiance. This is hardly the right choice of song to turn me on hahaha!!!
It was cute but so funny because, compared to us lot, this Panda dude was very middle class and we’re like lower than lower class, on the breadline, people living in poverty and not less street wise more of down to earth.
We’d probably be belting out Robbie Williams songs on the karaoke. It’s like we’re not dumb or anything but maybe at that point I was very uncultured and looked down on anything too fancy or posh. I was an inverted snob. I was actually mortified. Dad was laughing his head off at me (not the guy).
Dad even belted out a line or two from the song and shouted “Nat King Cole” halfway through the rendition. Not just once but a few good times. Offering a thumbs up to the Panda who kept his eyes closed the entire time so couldn’t return the encouraging approval with his own thumb. ha!
Dad made Panda feel welcome but that was my Dad all over. He even offered him a dowry as a joke just to get rid of me. Dad liked to warn my boyfriends in a different way than most fathers. He wouldn’t grill them, ask their intentions, caution them to look after my life.. No, my Dad would tip them off with all my flaws and give them the chance to run. He loved my current partner so much. He knew we were in love. This sort of brings me to my next topic.. Angry writing. I ranted tonight. See the secret section.
WRITING WHEN ANGRY..? ITS ALL NEW TO ME:
I don’t know the science behind the left and right brain. I don’t even care right now. I am unsure which side is which for creativity because when I am angry, like I am right now, I find it hard to do anything. I can’t think. I can’t write and I can’t create. I am practically couch locked inside my own skin. This is hard what I am doing. I have never attempted to do anything when I am in this frame of mind. Please hang in here with me. I know some of your will be excited to hear a wee rant from a stranger like me. Especially, from a new face on Substack. Others might decide they’ve had enough already… saying, ‘please chasey, no more.. NO!’
I’m not a ranter although to give you some sort of clue to my mood I decided in my rage of frustration to ‘write it out’ (this is a piece of shitty advice that I gave to my friend when he broke up with his true love. I say true because he adored her. It is real). I told him to Write It Out because he is a Poet and Writer. What an idiot I am. We’re not close friends. Not even real friends. I am a real friend to him. I bet he doesn’t even know I exist other than in comments on YouTube. I have to be clear when I say I have friends - I might have an acquaintance with people from online. In reality it’s only I who benefits from anything. It helps me live. I hardly like to socialise at all even online, I am selective who I talk to in comments and things. I follow a lot of writers and booktube people. I only comment on a few. I tried to take my own advice today and in the midst of all my angry frustration. I managed a short and precise ‘statement’ as opposed to being a poem.
“ANGER IS A WEED - HATE IS A TREE”
Saint Augustine
Thank you for all your kind attention……find out more below 👇 the paywall is a no bells or whistles, no holes barred. Warts and all account of my personal thoughts, feelings and experience. Very sensitive information that I should probably never have written! I'm an honest ‘writer’ and also a messy f*ck head with immature takes on life experience, hence my decision to add the *secret section* 👇 The section below is a bit of a rantrum. ;-/