"Fight-To-Write"💗
CONFESSIONAL🤍: Frustration, Medication and ME. Self-Reproach - Just a quickie! pull up a chair, grab a wee glass of something cold...x🍷 [11 February 2025]
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11 February 2025 - 7:00 am
Dear Chasers💗
I am awake at daft o’time in the morning. It was ten past four when I woke up, thought about getting up, got up, thought about doing some work, then fought a mini-battle between my desire to make some use of the spare time to write, and mu urge to give in to going back to bed for more sleep. It’s taken me until now,about five thirty a.m. to win the fight-to-write, so this is it. Armed with a strong cup of coffee, I am committed.
That, and a small act of defiance; as my partner has woken up in a bit of groggy state (no change there then!) still laying in his pit he insists that I “fuck it off and get back in bed” - adding “or sleep on the ‘fucking couch for a bit”. Apparently, I am a “dick” and it’s ‘“so stupid, totally unheard of,and not normal to sit up at like this, just to write a load of shit”. Well, he’s not completely inaccurate. I might end up with a pile of crap on the page that didn’t exist until this minute. I’ll own it.
I’ll take it. I’ll try my best to make it worthwhile. One thing I won’t do… is give up the will to live, the will to resist his instructions/demands, or give up on myself or my own mind.
The tricky thing is this. I’m two weeks away from having my monthly schizophrenic medication updated. I’m also only two weeks into it after having it administered. It’s a weird ‘middle ground’ that I’m navigating. Sometimes its fine. Sometimes it gets me down. I feel like I never get much time to thrive. Everything in me now is screaming; “you need to write”
I’m like a solid 6/10 in mind which is higher than I have been. I want to be writing but I feel like hiding. I’m losing my shine, and another thing which has been doing my head in. MY NOTES ON SUBSTACK seem to be the only notes which are totally ignored. I feel like everyone but me is getting some form or reaction, traction, seen. Then there is me:
HERE are some of my most recent notes: (I’m not sure if you’ll be able to see but no likes - nothing. Is it just me?).
Ok, so I guess I’ve also woken up into a bit of a groggy mood too. Moaning over. I guess I best try to snap out of this shitty state of mind. I’ll change my point of view to direct it towards my title: Sidelined Valentine. No… wait. Can’t do that yet because it’ll only exacerbate my feelings of contempt thus putting me in a much darker place (conversationally speaking). *EDIT UPDATE*
Oh yeah. I was saying this a moment ago, about the between-flow way my medications takes hold (and doesn’t stick, as the case may be)…well, I get in to this frame of mind where I prefer not to speak. I withdraw from the world a wee bit - like it physically hurts to express myself at all. I figured its fear of revealing something that I myself don’t want to know. It boils down to not always liking being me. I like who I am and what I’m about (most of the time anyway) it’s just I wish I wasn’t me. I want to be in a different vessel in times of happiness and/or misery.
Even when I can control the inner critic, and manage to tone down the negative self-image, let the grip it has on me fall slack. I still subconsciously, respond to- or let it presume control of me- my sporadically challenging- only constant is my evil self-reproach. I regularly have to slap the back of my hand to chastise the ego (of what I have left in me) for listening to my own commands. Now you can see and understand more deeply how it can be easier for me to just shut off. Ignore everything. Netflix & Chill.
I know that doesn’t make sense really but to me I wish it was as simple as that. Switching off. Taking time off - from myself. Like, "hey Chase, lets you and me go on a date” me: nah. also me: “ok, meet you on the couch at three and we can binge Netflix movies”
I’m actually feeling a little bit silly because suddenly I’m shattered so I’m thinking ‘maybe he was right after all’ it might have a been a stupid idea to write at this time, totally unheard of and YES.. it is a pile of dog-crap too. LOL.. z Z Z
sleepily, I’m going to slope off to bed.
….part of me is thinking, get this sent out, make another coffee and come back!?!?! - I don’t know if that’s my perfectly productive part of the dickhead decision maker in me talking. :)
Bye for now. As always, here's OUR EXIT SONG:
Yours Sincerely,
{{HUGE soft HUGS}}
Lots of LOVE
from your mate, Chasey💗
