Let THEM Eat Cake!💗[19-11-23]
🤍🎧Slice of Life🍷Confessional🍷Musings 🎧🤍
THIS IS MY ENTRANCE SONG FOR THIS TIME! BOB MARLEY - RIDE NATTY RIDE
If you like your newsletters without politics or preconceptions or seeking a break from the norm you may have just found your new hangout
Dear Chasers💗
Its not that they're causing trouble with me but they are, they are asking me 'questions' where they know that my answer is going to be a firm 'NO' so that way it appears to the outside world that I am the one creating friction between us. I am not the one who is drinking. I am not telling anyone else to do things that they don't want to do.
Just because they are suggesting something gets done about the pile of washing doesn't make them in the right. Why don't they let me press the fucking go button on the washing machine and instead of demanding that I remove the washed clothes and hang them about the fucking house, they could do that themselves. Pressing a button is not 'washing the clothes'. I prefer to put a wash on, take it out and hang it around. That's my idea of washing clothes.
I am not the person who has come off their diet and sits around the house drinking between 11 and 16 cans of beer all day long, playing computer games and demanding that the housework should be done right now (by somebody else) - that's not me.
What is me is hauled up in the bedroom with my phone and laptop. I have my mum on constant video chat. She is knitting and I am keeping her company. I am typing and listening to Youtube videos in between screams and shouts blasting through the house as someone gets killed on Call of Duty.
Yes the housework is there it is waiting but we've decided today is a day for downtime. At least that person is having a good time and I was having a nice time with my mum and relaxing and having a bit of head-space to work and relax. Working is relaxing. I just like to mind my own business and chill out.
The drinker likes to skulk in and out of my space on his way to the toilet or to get another beer from the fridge, making observations about what needs doing in the house that they have destroyed on previous drinking binges, or like the clothes that were there before the house got too trashed to do anything in.
Last night on the other had 16 beers over nine hours doesn't sound too bad but that's nine hours of my downtime spent listening to the ramblings of two drunk men who have undesirable things to say most of the time and then when one departs.
I am left with lonely drunk who wasn't best pleased with parts of his previous conversations. That drunk was tired and past the point of no return when the angry is bubbling away and all they want to do is air that venom in my direction. It takes a lot of patience to deal with that kind of attention. I don't have that resource. I got no work done yesterday and low and behold, I am back in the same uncomfortable position again now. Its like groundhog day.
I have nothing against people drinking or having a good fun, nice, miserable, pleasant, entertaining - whatever time. Just please, if I am out of the way and not involved in the drinking side of things, please leave me alone. Let me do my thing. Give me some head-space. I don't interfere with your quiet (or loud as the case may be) enjoyment.
If you can't be nice or you get bored when your drinking partner has left don't turn to annoying me. Anyway, all my complaining could be over as some good things do come out of it apparently. I think we're treating ourselves to a takeaway tonight which means once they eat, they'll go to bed and the night will be mine. Ooh, like I'm hardcore!
It's not all down to me being irritated, annoyed, frustrated and other stuff it's the fear and anxiety of being challenged and put in awkward situations that troubles me too. I realise that one of my 'coping mechanisms' with panic and anxiety is to display anger and bad communication, saying what I mean and meaning what I say. Which is out of character for me.
When I am okay and fine, not stressed or worries I am more compliant and can be persuaded against my original needs. When I'm in panic mode, I'm far more rigid and my demands become urgent - then you get the Boss who is now drunk with attitude - unable to read the situation and putting up more resistance.
I had an awful experience last night to point where I wanted to leave the house but couldn't, I wanted the other person to get out they wouldn't and I had to listen to a lecture that lasted about three hours and then I had to go to bed without having had any time to myself all day.
All decisions of how I live my life were taken away from me. I fought back and argued for my right to peace, for my right to choose and all with no avail. In the end I gave in and went to bed too early. Went without putting my Sunday playlist newsletter out. All day was like being in charge of somebody else's hyperactive and deliberately naughty, or subconsciously mean spirited child.
I say a child because I feel like I have to take care of the person who is causing me all this stress. I say a child because I love the person who is behaving badly towards me. I say a child because I know I am incapable of surrendering my own needs to put another person's above my own (which you do with children) especially when their demands and behaviour is wrong or unreasonable. I feel the stress that I imagine a parent would feel in a challenging situation with their kid.
I do put other's needs above myself all the time. I'm not selfless in doing so because I love looking after others first. I get the peaceful happiness reward for that but I am not a fucking martyr I don't choose to suffer for others and when choice is taken away from me, and those others put themselves first in charge of me and my life. I rage!!
Then I feel sad and upset and a cocktail of emotions. I usually can't physically cry tears so it comes out in violent outbursts, I see red and want to kick or scream at the thing that is giving me all the shit and driving me crazy. I don't get chaotically crazy. I am a stonewall calm still thunderous volcano crazy.
Then I get accused of being the one 'breaking the law'. I can be verbally tortured and abused and manipulated or basically cut the middle man out just directly told to do what I don't want to do (not talking about the dirty laundry now, I mean go to bed at this time, pay for cocaine, go the hour trip to get the cocaine that you don't want but will pay for if you go). So, I have to resist and fight back.
Even if and when I just go along with the flow and don't resist anything and do as I am told to do and fuck my life and be a muppet that can be used and abused. I then get told that I am such things. I get laughed at and then blamed for not stopping him doing the things he made me do. I get accused of it being all my fault.
I walk on eggshells - not because I am scared - because I can't deal with the stress of having to disagree with them. The stress of having to listen to ridiculous conversations. The stress of being ridiculed and called horrendous names. The stress of being bullied by people I love. I feel silly saying how things are magical and behind closed doors I am mentally suffering - only on days like this.
I think right now he is pasified although he is annoyed at the person who was borrowing us the money to get takeaway food because, being another drunk person, they changed their mind or couldn't afford to lend it. So, that person has gone off the phone and I'm left with a grizzly grumbling drunken dickhead moaning and gurgling in the other room. He is simmering a rage which would have been worse had he not got all of the pent up aggression out of him last night - on me. Nothing violent. Just verbal.
I am an emotional roller coaster inside. My heart has tightened up and I am trying my best to utter those seven very calming words. What If It All Works Out OK?
I went back to my most calming pass-time. The Muse. I had to watch them singing again and it calmed me down. I felt okay its like they said "don’t worry you're okay".
I heard their voice after such a long time and immediately I felt an ease wash all over me. I know where I want to be in terms of obsession thought. I want to obsess over nobody I have ever obsessed about ever. This one person who I hated for such a long time. That person is me. I want to get to know the person inside me without being afraid again. I want to discovering what makes me tick.
"I write to discover what I know" - Flannery O'Connor
I need to look on the good things that have happened over these two nightmare days. I need to draw on the strength of some sort of fucking positive outlook. I know I am swearing here but I am not angry or upset. I am stressing my point the most simply way I can without editing my soul so please forget, skip, forgive me for the wordage. I managed to treat myself to £6 worth of gifts in two days.
Let me start by saying we live hand to mouth. Some days we don't have a spare coin in the house let alone a note of currency and our bank accounts are all either on zero or in the minus. We are that poor they don't give us an overdraft. Whenever e go into the minus it's unauthorised.
When we got £20 from wherever for his beers yesterday, I walked a little further out of my way to buy them from a cheaper place so that, he would get more cans of beer for the same price, and I could have the change for a wee something nice.
This is the small positive that I am hanging onto the memory of to pull me through this stressful time. I bought a beautiful notebook for £2.50. It is pale and vibrant pink and black animal print with gold trim. Smooth lined paper inside A4 size. It goes really nice sat with my two other sized 'pretty' notebooks. I love journalling at midnight usually but didn't get to do that last night. I did read half of my Creative Gremlins book and make notes though!
I also bought my favourite brand of lip gloss (its lip balm but in this house someone doesn't understand the word balm so I get used to saying lip gloss all the time). Luckily, my taste is inexpensive because this brand is cheaper than most. Online on Amazon or Ebay it works out £1 each stick but I get a pack of three for that price. I also bought an exfoliating face wash which again is my favourite brand and only costs £2.25. It surprised me how such tiny little amounts of money can shine a light of happiness on such dark days when I spend copious amounts of cash on stupid drugs that last one night and make me feel shit for the rest of the month.
This tiny trio of things just keeps on giving. Every morning I wash my face and I remember my new item. All day I can reapply my lip 'gloss' and feel good. Carrying my notepad around with me and writing in it every day brings me peace. I feel rich and in abundance of everything I need. It's quite sad and pathetic really. I guess it's wholesome too - if I wasn't such a drug-using loser.
I've managed to keep us away from getting it on tick or lay-on as they call it in these two chaotic days. It's only when he drinks does he want sniff so much. Shame he has started drinking almost daily again. If we had got some last night or today, we would have no money at Christmas time.
We would end up spending our days over the festive period like we always do. Sitting with nothing to eat and only coffee or tap water to drink. Maybe, one meal in the house. Its dire. We don't need a lot but we should try for more. This year I wanted to be more comfortable. We don't buy each other presents but people do. Family. We're not arsed about decorating shit and Xmas trees or cards or all that bollocks. I lost my Nana at Christmas in 2013 he lost his mum at Christmas when he was 18 and none of us feel much like celebrating the day.
Christmas is for kids we say but this year I said. Let's make it a bit more fun this years. Like how he grunted. I didn't know. I was feeling as helpless, lost and shit as he felt. All I could come up with was maybe buying a roast dinner, some frozen sausage rolls so I could throw some in the oven for a snack, some chocolates and maybe a fucking cake. Great! I may be in the gutter but I'm looking at the stars...!! xxx
Thank you for reading me! Big Warm HUGS xxx💗
chaseydelaney7@gmail.com