Nihilism Nights Are Just Pointless💗[03-12-23]
Did you see what I did with the title!? LOL 🤍x
If you like your newsletters without politics or preconceptions or seeking a break from the norm you may have just found your new hangout.x
Welcoming you with an ENTRANCE SONG: - Johnny Cash !! <3 x
3 December 2023
Dear Chasers💗
Waking up from, by way of snapping out of, a drug riddled trance where I’m in a tongue sucking, mouth drooling, body twitching coma of a high from the night before. I deciding that everything I had been through in life and built my belief system from, had been a fucking lie. I watched a short video featuring Jordan Peterson about Nihilism and couldn’t get my head around it because I was feeling nihilistic at the time. So I swerved that video and moved on to another about Jung vs Jordan Peterson’s opinions or something, again the conversation went right over my head. This man is an intellectual giant among people like me, or just me.
I sat there slumped and crumpled with my legs wide open across both sides of the recliner sofa, alone and coming down from what had been an interesting encounter with one’s dilapidated old and forgotten dark night of delving into an uncharted psyche. I gathered my thoughts around the mistakes I had made the night before. Nothing major or anything to destroy my soul the way I thought my mind was inviting and destruction might be slowly incoming but events that I wasn’t in control of were coming back to hound me in the wee hours of the night and early morning.
The only embarrassing things that I had done and been responsible for was making one twisted voice message to a complete stranger about their YouTube channel! Something that could have been addressed online in public area as opposed to prying into said person’s private time. Thankfully, they were very polite to me.
Then spent some sort of an hour or so, composing a comment for another stranger ready to reply to something on social media. The next time I opened my laptop I read last night’s ‘writing’ which was a ridiculous mess and almost illegible in terms of making any sense. Fortunately, I had been blessed by a rare splash of heaven-sent sanity, in that I managed not to post it in the end.
This is exactly the main reason I don’t want to write my newsletters when I am high because it feels like I’d spend a lot of time editing it down to be read. They say you can’t edit a blank page and it’s better to get a shitty first draft together, and I have so much more focus and time on my hands when I’m on it but I don’t connect my thoughts as well and feel it would be insincere of me to do it to people. I want to be present at all times in my written word endeavours.
Apart from those minor errors in judgement, there was nothing too bad to cause me such despair. I had dodged a bullet (and a train) prior to getting deep into the cocaine. I arrived at my destination in the dark and rain at about 8:00 pm at night and waited by the railway crossing for the ‘lucky lucky man' (as they say in Ibiza) to arrive with six bags of snow. I told you it was going to be a white Christmas after all. I took the phone call that he was in a car on the other side of the crossing, looking over the gates that were closing. He was chanting in my ear saying “c’mon jump over the gates, quickly, you’ll make it” he was laughing as he kept on drumming it into my head.
I am so nervous talking to people who I don’t trust and so naive in following instructions that both the visual and auditory information hit my brain. I went into sensory overload for a moment and was considering taking him seriously there and climbing over the gate. I hadn’t spotted the train yet but was aware that the gates were closing for a reason.
I felt daft at the time. I know he was joking but the sinister part of it was that he disrespected me enough to play that joke on me. I had been foolish enough to dance to his command. I took him at face value and I shouldn’t have.
Now in the reversal of previous events playing back to me in my mind - I decided that every one in my entire life has had that same disrespect for me. I was never and have never been and still aren’t fucking wanted by anyone. Not the way I want other people. Nobody wants me the way I want for others. Life is not going to get any better. There is no crescendo of joy at the end. I am not living to find the end of the rainbow.
I am experiencing a life of not being loved or wanted. The punchline is devastatingly bleak and obvious. I will die having never felt what it is like to live as a loved being and would never learn to understand what it feels like to know you are wanted. My life’s ‘best bits’ have probably already been and gone and so I am living on now to fall into the rest of hell until I understand completely that things will never be fixed.
I tumbled into this thought pattern and couldn’t concentrate enough to take my mind off this depressive expression, not even self pleasuring was working out for me now. It may come as a shock to you that by this time of day 7:57 am, my partner had already given up the fun and had been asleep for a good two hours before me. I was up and hankering on the last traces of cocaine in and out of my system. I had one line left. I hadn’t taken anything since 4:00 am hoping that the coffee I just made would re-balance my internal mental suffering. I sound quite lofty here and trying not to do that.
After the final line I did what people do best - self excavate every memory that has ever haunted me and christened those thoughts as absolute gospel truths (that and a bit of forced masturbation!) gotta keep it real guys. It’s not me if it’s censored. I was close to it gets to having a weeping-wank in a semi-suicidal capacity; knowing that the sleep deprivation was getting to me. Yet, I continued to chase that high and drive myself and the entire night, into the fucking ground.
I am back now from the self loathing pit of evil self pity. There are sadder things going on all around us and even around me in my small triangle of people. There are people dying having been through a much more troubled existence than mine and I can only imagine how it must feel to die having lived a life of abundance, with love and happiness and joy. To say goodbye so soon, leaving all that life behind. I cry for everyone else again, fuck myself (no pun intended) and count my blessings as they should be but this got me thinking. Oops!!.. not that thinking thing again. The thing I keep on playing with yet cannot do constructively… haha!
What if my everyday existence of being tanked up on pharmaceutical drugs, i.e. my medications which makes me feel confident in life, secure in my relationship, not phased by the constant fear of bigger shit going on around me. What if that is the real false sense of reality? What if the cocaine blues are just opening my eyes to the real reality around me?
What if happiness is the one and only real delusion? ...
Thank you for giving me this feeling of friendship and for want of a better term ‘a safe place to speak’ Thank you for being here with me and reading this tonight! BIG soft Warm HUGS Lots of Love from ME..xxx💗
(I’d never leave you without a full themed song… today’s was an entrance song so skip back up to the top if you missed it. xxx)