*-Sliding-Doors-*💗[2024]
NEW YEARS DAY! War & Peace INSIGHT reads like a Fever (hold the Dream) - Explicitly Confessional - THIS IS MY MUCHNESS. 🍷🎧🤍
If you like your newsletters without politics or preconceptions or seeking a break from the norm you may have just found your new hangout
Dear Chasers💗
31.12.23 - Maybe Happiness
I’m going to try something. I’m going to drop the sword that I’ve been holding. I’ve been constantly afraid to set it down and release the tension from my body. I need to let my guard down and stop fighting off every ounce of trust I have available to me. Every tonne of reasons to feel joy and maybe happiness is something that we let go off as it’s coming out. We all know that it is fleeting, joy is to happiness what emotion is to mood.
The first thing I needed to do was figure out what it was I wanted so much that made me feel so untethered and lost and depressed. I know half of such. Half of why I was in a funk. I hate to be dishonest. I had that muse and was drawn in that direction while clinging onto the love of my life. I knew I would never leave this relationship without being prepared to live my life and survive as one, just me, alone. Not dependent on anyone. Dependent in terms of safety and sanctuary, protection from myself. When I am afraid. Life is nothing but a living hell. I found this place in my heart that became open and accessible only in the presence of love and warmth and a heaven down here on earth. It was my relationship which built me up to a point where I could love. Where I felt comfort and trust and kindness and security. I couldn’t have found love for anyone once upon a time. The world to me was full of badness, evil and threat. That leads me to believe that all this has been down to just me. Seriously. If I was truly unhappy - that would mean I knew what I wanted and it wasn’t what I already had. Well, I never stopped wanting what I already have. I just stopped worrying about losing it. I turned my gaze elsewhere when yearning for the parts of love that I felt were missing from my situation.
Ok.. so I have no idea what I have just been writing about, I know I’m not keen on reading it back to myself. I’ve been staying away from this page all day because I need to percolate my thoughts on the matter and put in practice the idea simmering within my mind. I was still quite disturbed with paranoid confusion to the point where the sword was still poking out of it’s sheaf with my fist clasped tight around the handle. In other words I wanted to make sure that by dropping my guard and returning to my perch in this relationship, my previous position of being all in and allowing my heart to sing for us all, (must include Lola so rather than it being just the two of us we have our beautiful little furry creature of a cupcake to consider - more on that later!) I might need reminding..🙂 My heart obviously sings for Lola and although it’s not quite so obvious my heart still sings for my partner too. I have been afraid of losing him, hence the upset when confronted with paranoid situations of something happening that could do that, if I didn’t worry or if it didn’t bother me then that would mean I was still switched off to being concerned and still obsessed with the muse. I remember when I first stopped caring about what happened between us anymore… I stopped asking him to come home early, in fact I would welcome the chance that he might not come home at all. I was happy just to relax and sit back in my daydreams of the muse. I’m sick of talking about the muse now. Twice I have thought about closing this document down and starting over. It’s doing my fucking head in. I’m off to a shaky start because I’m trying to be linear but just to push us forward and out of this dry train of thought, this drivel and annoying conversation, I will cut to the chase. By dropping my sword I have also lay down my hat, hung my gloves up, and stopped to think about what it is I want for the future. The immediate future of 2024. It’s an easy call. I want nothing more than everything that I already have. I don’t want to chase the muse anymore. I don’t want to lose my relationship. I want to continue doing what we do. I want to get out of my own fucking way. Stop sabotaging and start looking around me at every moment that I am experiencing in abundance. SO LETS START AGAIN HERE: Fuck the Muse. There is NO MUSE anymore. It’s just me, him and Lola. 2024
I was testing the water today to check if we still had something worth saving, worth savouring and whether or not I had already lost everything because of my lack of engagement and worshipping! I mean that in jest although I feel at my most happiest when I worship the ground he walks on, not for his benefit but my own. I glory in the swellage of my own heart. Just like I die in the anxiety of a fucked up broken heart, I revel in the way it comes alive when embracing love and it feels like heroin running through my veins (I don’t know what heroin feels like I never wish to try. Knowing me, I’d like it so much that instead of stealing my heart away from muses and trying to sell my soul to save my ‘marriage’ I’d be robbing his trainers and trying to sell him for my next fix!!). I just know that when this love for something flows through me it's electric! It’s the best free high I’ve ever felt - like a mindgasm, my heart’s ejaculation! It’s sex and drugs and hunger and desire and reward and endorphins and pain… all in one. Now I have forgotten what the fuck I was talking about! Ha. I think this paragraph is done now.
I feel silly focusing on things that I feel about our life together if the suspicions I had the other day turn out to be correct. I would tell you about what’s been happening between us since then but I’m not in the mood to revisit it just yet. Let’s just say it was push and pull, touch and go, hellish and unbearable. I was annoying him with my coldness and depression and he couldn’t understand why or how I could be depressed. He blamed the dog for causing my mental illness to progress, he was cruel and cold back towards me, he was angry because I had accused him and telling him my feelings made him worse, he was unconcerned and that pushed me back towards the thoughts of separation. Then of course I suffered a couple of days or at least a few hours here and there, feeling the breakup. Going through the motions of it actually happening. Making my depression and paranoia worse.
Maybe it’s too late. Maybe my partner isn’t putting any effort in amicability, not because he is so upset that I keep asking him to leave, but because secretly he doesn’t want to stay. It’s just like him to use reverse psychology, only it's slightly different today. On New Year’s Eve life was knocked out of me in emotional and physical exhaustion. I went to bed at 11.30pm. Too tired to stay awake and on video call with Mum. Too tired to care that it was only thirty minutes to wait.
I had been sleeping on the couch since he returned to the house. It was because he refused to allow Lola into our bed at night. It was his way of locking me out of it too. At first I thought he was doing it for the benefit of training the dog, I should have known it was just putting obstacles between us getting close. I’m not talking about sex. He finds time and place to tell me to ‘fucking bend over’ the old romantic soul that he is with me. I’m talking about us sleeping together in the same bed at night. Our other dogs who we have had in the past, some were only here a couple of years, the main lady especially was always welcome in on our bed. I guessed it was a stupid test and one he didn’t want to win. He said, if I want to get in our bed with him then make sure Lola sleeps in her crate. She has slept in there a few times before he came home because we had a little routine. I was training her, then one night, I thought about it and thought, what the fuck is this training for? I intend for her to sleep on our bed when she is older so how is it doing her any good right now! I started by first sleeping on the couch with the recliners pulled out (so it was wide like a small bed) and then we slept in our bedroom after that. I realised that she slept for longer and didn’t get up to pee or wake me up in the night to go into the garden, like she was at one point getting me up at 2am and 4am every night. I didn’t mind staying separate from my partner when he first returned, I was still hurt by what I believed he’d been doing. Cheating on me. He was very distant when he returned. Always sounded off when addressing me but switched on the charm for everyone else who called him on the phone then back to being dead behind the eyes towards me and Lola. Always annoyed or moaning about something. Only ever addressing me as opposed to speaking to me or talking with me or responding to anything I say. Me being the way I am, tried to just keep my mouth shut. Didn’t have it in me to make any small talk or big talk or any conversations either. It felt like a bag of shit, the atmosphere was horrific. No wonder I felt alone. Like we were over and that I was in one of the ten stages of a breakup. The shock part. Apparently, denial comes after the shock but I believed I took it into my heart in this order.
Anger
Anxiety
Denial
Realisation
Grief
Shock
Heartache
Acceptance
Doubt
Recuperation
Those steps are custom made up by me for me so I wouldn’t quote them at all or take them as seriously as I did. I actually might as well have had a trial separation because my heart and emotions and nervous system took a heavy blow in and out of all of those. I was stubborn too and chose to stay and sleep with Lola on the sofa. That’s where I’d been for nights on end. It was bittersweet because I had my baby with me but I missed him too. One night I decided to try and see if Lola would manage back in the cage again, she’s young enough to adapt back into it and doesn’t get set down until she is already soundo and sleepy late at night. I tried and she was doing fine. I picked up his vibes and they were negative like he was annoyed to have me do that, he hadn’t expected me to choose him over Lola in the sleeping arrangements. Only embossing my fear or paranoia of him cheating or being distracted by another person. A bit like I am (or was) with the muse. They say it’s those who accuse people who are doing it themselves. I get that analogy. It’s like a guilty conscience and all. I also know that whatever he is or isn’t doing can’t be half as bad as to actually give away your love and whole heart to a random person you've never met. I still get sickly sexual jealousy. I still know in my mind him sticking his dick into another person’s body is much worse than my late night pillow talk being punched into a fucking keyboard and cumming is much harder than hitting the frickin’ SEND button!
Call me old fashioned or a hypocrite - I do! I just can’t get to grips with any of it. Hence, why I am deciding whether or not to turn off my attention towards one or the other. I am edging towards sticking around for my partner (who probably is way over me and doesn’t even care about me any more!) and I’m going to let go of the semi-infatuation with the muse. I was only rediscovering the feeling of proper loving. I was healing but by healing myself means growing and changing and my partner can’t deal or accept or respect me enough to take the new me seriously, that’s why he throws the past up in my face always, the person who I was when we first met. He called me a mess, in the gutter, this and that. How he helped me. Got my mental health better and I owe it all to him. My mental health is steadier and has been incredibly improved since we got together. It’s far from over. I still bleed paranoia and other situational symptoms. I owe it to him to stay the same because he doesn't want and won’t accept me as any different version than the one he met and decided to ‘love and help get better’. It was my fault but I sensed those horrible vibes coming from him so when he put his hands all over my body to be intimate, it felt forced and fake to me so I shuffled away from him. I refused his intimate ‘cuddles’ and advances and gave him the cold shoulder. So, he kicked off verbally until one hour later I left the bed and was back on the sofa with Lola.
New Year's Eve I wanted to get in bed and begged him to let Lola come and get in with me. He agreed. By 11.30pm me and Lola wanted to curl up and go to sleep in the bed. He has been sitting all day in there on his PS5 playing COD and going about his own business away from us. So, when I said I might go to bed early, it was no surprise to me that he announced he was about to have a bath unless I could wait longer. I said we just wanted to go to bed. He could do whatever he liked and if he still wanted to play his game, me and the dog would stay put. He knows he would look and sound like a tight cunt to say ‘yeah, stay on the couch’ - so he upped his stuff and fucked off to the bathroom. I thought (or hoped) he would be done by or before midnight, he might wish me a merry new year or something. But he didn’t. It pissed me off that I wanted to be near him and he was just fucking off away from us all the time. Even now. There’s much more to this story than I am letting on about because it makes me cry. I will just say that it’s like he is pulling away from me but wants it to look like I am the only one at fault. He probably wants to leave and will do as long as it looks like me kicking him out and not him leaving me in the lurch.
1.1.24 -
I’ve decided that maybe happiness isn’t coming back. I've probably run out of my supply to feel and appreciate as I’m saying goodbye, but all I can do going forward is drop the sword and maybe happiness is just around the corner.
I’m in two minds anyway because why should I put any effort into this when the odds are all stacked against me. I want to believe he is on my side but its so fucking obviosu the guy hasnt got the faintest clue about fuck all about me, he hates everything I am or the things I do and stuff that I think about and talk about too. I haven’t got anyone who supports me at all. I’m a loner who is supporting someone else’s life so that they can go have fun times and I get left behind. Now they’re trying to take my little dog away from me like she was never mine. I was only being the one to take care of her when they didn’t want the hassle.
How he disregards my ‘little’ thoughts and feelings!
His family keep on saying that they want the dog back. He keeps on saying he hates the dog. He threatens to take the dog away from me. He suggests we give her back so that things can go back to normal here.
He knows I love the fucking dog! He tells his family that it's ok for them to see the dog if they pick him and her up and bring them home again. They say they’ll see what they can do. Meanwhile he knows that I am fucking freaking out about all this chat and talk coming from the kids who know no better that they’re taking her back. For all I know is that’s the fucking plan. The kids said we don't need to come and get her, you'll be at our house and we won’t give her back! I know they’re just kids but they could have heard that plan from the adults including HIM! Yet, he still agrees to take her to see them.(Now it has been postponed because he has ‘just remembered’ he is still suffering from a really bad virus. I think my words and behaviour towards the situation did have a part in his reconsideration. I feel bad about it but he didn’t take into consideration my initial feelings and that bit hurt the most. If I knew he had bad vibes about one of my friends (I have no friends but for example) and he felt paranoid about them, I would avoid meeting up with them or having them visit us - just while he was going through the bad patch. I mean, I love those kids and his sister is always nice around me these days too, of course I wouldn’t mind the dog visiting them again under regular circumstances but I’m hypervigilant and we’re even discussing a change of medication. I am almost on board with trying that too, something which I have been very against from day dot, because I am on the verge of breaking it off with him, fucking everything off and dare I say it … I wont say it but basically giving the fuck up. I keep dipping my mood and I keep thinking is it because, in my mind, I have let go of the muse who I believe has been holding me up. It’s all one sided and mostly in my imagination. I swear I am about the hi and hello terms with the muse and most of the time my hi and hello goes unanswered for days* but I still told my partner that if my baby Lola goes back to his sister then he has to go too. He is blaming the dog for my mental illness episode! What a fucking crank. I blame myself.
Here’s something to think about. Thinking for me is part of my disease and this is coming from my partner’s mouth this afternoon which makes me believe that he is more than just a pretty face. He makes more sense than me. So how come I feel so hard done by! He told me that I do this all to myself. I first of all sit and think of things to believe, then I believe them, then I feel the feelings attached, then I can’t handle my thoughts or emotions anymore and everything goes out of control and then I get paranoid and ill and can’t think straight. I think he nailed it. What he didn’t have anything to say about what where the fuck has his reassurance gone since we first met, when he would sit down and explain in a way I would find it difficult not to believe, how my theories are incorrect. He has nothing but hatred and resentment for me at best. I believed up until this evening that he wanted out for sure. Until he threw a heavy box at me in anger and it hit my hand creating an instant lump and slight bruising, he kissed my hand better and I told him that I’d found someone ‘better’ who I could love the same way I loved him but that I let that ship sail before it even materialised (I didn’t tell him that it was never reciprocal) I didn’t have to - I’d hit a real nerve and it hurt him but hurt me more when I saw the look on his face and his head hang low as he walked away into the kitchen. “These demons have been expelled”. (I said that in the voice of T-bag from Prison break!) - who is sexy as hell and that accent, that country type twang… makes my g-string go tWang too!! Hahaha I shouldn’t be laughing at this point in the update however, it was just like this.. My deep dark depression shifted in a split second, lifted in an instant and that sadness I felt for him, my heart going out toward him again. I knew that I had been fixed, I love to love him completely and utterly and it feels so much stronger and better than being loved in return. The same way I thought that I had fallen in love with the muse, believed it, felt it, blah blah blah … exactly the theory of my partner towards why I really shouldn’t think. I am an avid over thinking, I think I feel too much, I think I think too much.
I had lost my muchness and it had come back hard, smacked me between my ribs and heart and sent yellow birds up like stars flying around and around in my brain and before my eyes my heart starting swinging back in time with THIS life! This man is mine and I am bleary-eyed in love with him again!
I acted on this refound passion and followed him back into the kitchen where he was opening and closing doors, slamming them until I grabbed his hand. Wrapped it around my waist and kissed his hairy face; sweaty and red with rage and he automatically.. I’d love to say held me in my embrace but he pulled away. The tables had turned but I didn’t care anymore about sliding doors, I was back and I had my love for him restored. With that kind of arsenal in my backpack - I can’t fucking lose! I’m on the road to recovering what is rightfully mine and for the record, he’s been trying to touch me and love me and help me all along (apparently!) but it was me who had pushed him away. I want to believe that is true but some seeds will always remain in my brain and stay as scars that I will never buy a tattoo to cover up because I have no idea whether or not they are just mistakes marks of joy exit wounds of something leaving the body finally, a reminder of what we’ve been through - maybe love and loving and muchness and exorcising demons or MAYBE HAPPINESS.
Yours Thankfully & Wishfully! Lots of love from your v.crazy Miss Chasey!x
Post Script and ways for you to buy me a treat *blushes* below.
I would love to reward you all with a huge big crassy kiss on the lips right now, if you read right the way through this then WOW thank you and RESPECT to you too. I had to open at least four documents and sit down and let my fingers do the talking without tasting my own cooking, I was never ever certain, in the making of this newsletter WAR & PEACE edition; if I was even warming up the Chaser let alone actually ‘cooking on gas’.. \(“,)/ I hope you feel fully fed, not too bloated and possibly ready for a sh…are. Hahah! What did you think I was going to say? Please try to subscribe for FREE (I prefer to keep it that way because at some stage today, I actually made an actual workable personal gift-list where you can surprise me with a wee gift if you fancy it and are able to afford to do!) That would be crazy and lovely and kind! SEE LINK BELOW! xxxxxxx (0_o) xxxxxx
I hardly expect that to happen especially as I’ve just missed Christmas (in more ways than one) but it’s always an option. During a massive verbal explosion of disagreements taking place shouting between rooms calling each other names through thin brick walls, I managed to hold my breath and send HIM a LINK to my AMAZON WISHLIST -needless to say he didn’t purchase anything for me. Instead he retorted that the only thing I need on there is a fucking heart. Awww..
EXIT SONG INCOMING....IF I HAD A HEART <3:
MANY MANY THANKS XXX <3 AND A VERY MERRY NEW YEAR TO ALL MY CHASERS!
