Thinking CAPS ON..💗[28-11-23]
DO good conversationalists make YOUR BEST writers? 🤍
If you like your newsletters without politics or preconceptions or seeking a break from the norm you may have just found your new hangout.x
28 November 2023
Dear Chasers💗
I am not what I would refer to as a heavy, good, excessive conversationalist. In my daily life I do not sit and consider the words before they come out of my mouth.
On most days, at most, I have a few mad half hours when I might execute a mind dump in conversation with my mum, I find that I ramble on and on without any concept of anything that’s going on and for a while I blamed this on my mum. I put it down to her breaching my inner peace accidentally of course but still nudging my anxiety around awkward silence. All she does is sit and listen. I find she hardly opens up to me about anything much. Unlike the way I hear her happily chatting along in a chat with her best friends and my auntie or other people she knows.
It makes me feel uneasy and rather than allow my usually cynically negative impulses or worse, paranoia, to get involved, I dismiss this touch of information. Focusing more on the fact that ‘at least she phoned me, at least we are here, I can see her on video call, I get to spend quality time with her and again - it was her who phoned me!’ so I appease both my anxiety and her obvious contempt or mistrust of me.
I am present and vulnerable in her company albeit only on a call (although, I get the same reception to my ‘chatting’ whenever I am with her in person too. I blamed her for triggering my uncontrollable urge to fill every gap in a silent room, or in our case a silent call, with words that I have no idea where I find them, no real reason to express them and a huge amount of unfiltered resentment after I offload them. Now, this isn’t a constant and it isn’t my mum’s fault at all, you know that and so do I but I’ll get to that next.
For the time being I am only in the mode of working out something about myself (not my mum or my social standing in terms of the both of us). I am my mum’s constant night time companion since her partner of twenty plus years sadly passed away in 2017 a month or two after my own biological dad also lost his life. So, the both of us had lost a very important male figure in our lives who we had looked up to. (I could choose a better word here but I don’t want my brain to stray away from the topic and already, if palm trees were full of ideas as coconuts, mine is already swaying in strong winds! Yes!
I know I could have found another word for VIP quicker than typing this but at least we’re still on the right track to where I’m taking us!..) Where was I? Only joking. Great! so now I made a joke right at the point of talking about how me and my mother became closer after 2017 and only in our older age.
Mum being just 17 years my senior and me still feeling like poor sighted, prematurely balding, a five year old wearing half-dentures whenever I’m with her. That five year old inner me is very loving and protective like she’s actually wearing a princess dress and waving around an action figure with a sword! I was stronger minded then than I am now.
I am overprotective of my mum and very careful with her emotions and feelings. I don’t need to figure anything out here about that awkward dynamic. I am fully aware that as she abandoned me to my paternal grandparent’s care at age five, as an adult and since then, time stopped and locked in something at that age about her, now I am terrified of doing anything which might upset her or cause her to do it again. It’s a common trait for people with a similar childhood experience. Fear of Abandonment.
I feel like by just admitting to that aloud, I am nullifying the condition and now I am in the early stages of recovery. Things like that you never recover from, you just learn to avoid its effect on you and try to live without thinking about it so much. We keep each other company for hours and hours on end with or without uttering two words to each other. Especially at night.
We sit drinking our ‘cuppas’ and pottering about. Me with my writing, or podcasts, reading books and sometimes mixing music on digital software (I had to elaborate there, I couldn’t let you imagine me jumping up and down behind some decks hitting the baselines grinning at my mum over a brew!) and mum does her knitting, jigsaws, or we both could be just scrolling through our phones. Together. So,No! I’m not always overcompensating for one-way conversation the entire time. That’s exactly what I am getting at really.
I am NOT a person who has a million things to say or to talk about. My mind is currently under control (and observation) ever since my nervous breakdown where I survived flatline twice by suicide - coming out of it with nothing but an uncomfortable chronic illness - schizophrenia like the by-product of my post-fucked up life) the thoughts in my head are tiny and non-intrusive like a chain of tiddly tadpoles bobbing up and down in a scummy pond of cloudy, shit-clotted bog water. Far from the chaos it used to be. It’s not bombarded with conversations in terms of auditory hallucinations anymore. My thoughts are subtle and still stunted. I am luckier than some people I know who are constantly troubled with continuous intrusive thoughts and a badly busy head of considerations (I also know that feeling).
I am quite fortunate now that I have a serenity in my brain, one which I have never experienced ever before in my entire lifetime. It’s almost empty. Is ignorance bliss? ;-/ I am actually enjoying the space in my brain, a universe of shooting the breeze in there at all times,nodding along with odd tumbleweed, down by a babbling brook of immersive energy, fizzing away wanton and eager to create. I mentioned that I have, in the past, said to myself that, I blamed my mum for my own fumbling during conversations.
That does happen (mt fumbling stream of vomit rambling) and yes! she does remain, for the most part silent, but I think there’s is no malice or blame to be had. Mum probably just enjoys my airhead, not a care in the world vibes sometimes. I know that whenever I am too quiet or slightly quiet - everyone notices. I am the pillar of pick-me-ups in the talking department. No, that’s a joke and doesn’t say much for the company I would be keeping. I can’t talk.
I can come across as ditzy with the nature of ‘stuff’ which bothers me the most and regularly are minute in respect of the real problems and issues going on in the wider world. Even in mum’s world too. She has concerns that the roof on her bungalow is leaking and the patio doors are letting in a draft and her dogs might need worming or anything, anything at all which is quite the opposite to me, who tells her how terrified I am because I have found a pimple on my arse cheek!
You’ve heard about me enough here and I took you all around the houses just to get to that point.. Ooh! some rhetorical questions now wait… why rhetorical? because my comments are private for my Secret Chasers! paid subscribers Which I don’t have or expect to gain, it just protects my precious little heart to keep to myself without addressing comments which would most likely embarrass me or lead me to embarrass myself. If you really get me ;-) and become a Secret Chaser! one day you will know better than I do how to upgrade. I think you just hit the pink button :-)
That paragraph was getting a bit murky a bit quickly! HA! So, I’ll keep my questions to be rhetorical and for our own reflections and attention:
AS A AMATEUR WRITER AM I TOO VERBOSE?
I know the answer to that - YES! Absolutely unashamedly honestly, just the previous paragraph was a perfect example.
ARE THE BEST WRITERS ALSO GOOD CONVERSATIONALISTS?
I fear that I will never do well with my writing when I have an empty head like mine. I know that if you can tell a great story in conversation then you will do well in fiction writing or in general too. Like holding the attention of your readers.
DO YOU HAVE TO BE GOOD AT TALKING IN ORDER TO WRITE GOOD?
IF WRITING IS SLOW THINKING HOW COME I COMES OUT FAST?
These are petty little amateur writer questions now. I want to say that the only way I can think is to write and that’s it !! Cue EXIT SONG………… x
Thank you for reading me tonight! BIG soft Warm HUGS Lots of Love ..xxx💗
