"This Version of You"💗
Confessional Letter. Where Angels Fear To Tread. New Daily Solutions for New Year Revolutions* 2025. Music & Links X
If you like your newsletters without politics or preconceptions or seeking a break from the norm you may have just found your new hangout
GOODBYE 2024 - AND WELCOME TO 3 January 2025 !!!!
this is the ridiculous recordings I sent out to people, I think I was too messy to realise that I should have been singing AULD LANG SYNE not this… oops! x
Dear Chasers💗
Merry New Year! Merry is the word I used and ‘merry’ is exactly how I ‘was feeling’ falsely feeling great but looking, and speaking SHIT. I greeted everyone the same backward way, either by messenger, email, over the phone or in person; only, fortunately for me, not many people had the misfortune of witnessing the absolute mess I was in twisted on drugs after drinking too much.
Those of you who know me enough by now already know that alcohol is not my strong suit and I rarely consume it, even through the worst times, even at my weakest moments. I wouldn’t turn to it and, believe it or not, special occasions for me are the very least or last times where I would reach for the bottle.
I like to experience happy times in full, being completely present, enjoying the reality exactly as it is… things are never usually that good for me; or at least that’s what my foolish little brain would have me believe.
Thinking is also not my strong suit.. I do it regularly but not for all the right reasons. I rush into situations before giving it a second (or even a first) thought. I haven’t done too many foolish things on New Years Eve or over the Christmas period. No. I have been very FOOLISH for the last year or two a poor detriment to my own well being and even my relationships with people. I’m not talking about the heavy cocaine use, occasional drinking, constant borrowing money from friends and family, or even talking too much shit online, in newsletters, messages, emails. All of those things do count as foolish and I am honestly deeply ashamed.
I think where I have been most foolish is in my mind. Constantly complaining and allowing suspicious thoughts creep in, paranoia, toxic self-talk (where I think I am defending myself and healing my past traumas and low-self esteem) when in fact I have been enabling those things to help ruin my relationship and destroy any chances of personal growth, confidence recovery or domestic bliss.
Look at his little face… this is the man who I have loved and lost (in my own imagination) for what feels like a lifetime. I cannot imagine a life without this person by my side. I have unintentionally made him the enemy, the bully, the culprit and cause of my all my agony when it might have been my own insecurities and the slender control that I have over my thought processes (how I respond to them) this has been doing the ruining.
It’s a pity that it took a dip in our restraint against the shitty lifestyle we had turned our backs on over three months ago to bring me back some clarity and reunite us in our flailing friendship, we not only became closer intimately in a tangible sense but also rekindled a meeting of minds. The devil on my shoulder is whispering that all this re-connection and clarity, wasn’t just created by the excessive amount of cocaine used the other night but could there be another hidden agenda on his mind?
The devil in my eardrums hisses that this new found love again is also a meticulous manipulation attempt, by him, being made on me and the devil in the details is illuminating constantly the chance that my intelligence is currently being breached. The reasoning behind this is because he is waiting for February for me buy us/him a ‘cheap’ 75” TV for a bag of sand (£1,000) which we do need but I wouldn’t necessarily be buying before some of the other larger items that I have been waiting to purchase for myself, it always seems that I do put the household and his needs first (by choice and in a covert self-gratifying way) I’m no martyr but I do feel so good whenever I am able to make other people feel better.
My heart says this ‘evil theory’ is NOT true and I shall tell you why in a second. We already had these plans but when things began to get rockier between us, like when we both put so much distance between us that we didn’t even communicate through the dog anymore. We even stopped telling the dog things about each other to get to one another through the paper thin walls of our council flat. We put everything on hold, led separate lives under the same roof, thought singularly, split expenses (as you should anyway) and did our own grocery shopping, me for mine and him for his. I just thought, great! that saved me a grand, and there’s no point purchasing something we have to share, if we can’t even invest any time into each other whats the point in me buying a big item that if or when we split up he would probably insist on taking with him. I wouldn’t have any say on the matter.
The Devil has a point but should I continue down the desperate road of listening to those inner critters (correct word not critics!) as I have endured all through 2024 and back beyond last year, for too many years I have listened to that inner monologue which was always warning me about impending doom, betrayal, lack of love and a loss so overwhelming that I was always already grieving everything I had and anything I could have had, and still we are both here to tell the tale. In 2025 I choose to relinquish those demons, and find a new healthier, trustworthy, foolproof way to self-empowerment, to heal my traumas wounds and rather than mask the scars I will make them my art.
NEW ‘DAILY’ RESOLUTIONS FOR MY NEW YEAR ‘REVOLUTION’ OF 2025 (AS A creator? )
I had this sort of conversation with myself the other day. I was listening to a creator / artist talking about ‘being an artist’ and I felt a pang of longing to relate. I couldn’t relate because I know that I am not an artist and not aspiring to be anything, let alone an artist. At best I wouldn’t mind being known as a ‘writer’ but even that terrifies me. I don’t want to be known as much as I don’t wish to be seen.. I need nothing more that to be understood. I know this is a common consideration most of us may have throughout our lives. I am nothing but do I wish to stay this way? I create nothing but negativity and drama.
All I am trying to do is Love and be loved. I cannot love myself. My head and I are a fucking mess. I need a new focus. I made my boyfriend my hobby. Not hubby as in husband.. hobby as in passion, pastime and bane of my life. I became obsessed with loving and being loved, searching for other sources of such and ruminating of the kind of love that to me was completely unattainable and in the meantime, I sit here rotting on my arse, I’m not even the most active hopeless romantic, I am about as loving and romantic as a fucking house brick being flung through the window. So what do I do now? At least by writing this I am showing some sort of self awareness. Where do I go from here?
Someone once asked me where I see myself in the next five years. I said, well exactly as I am now but with more sex and a more books. I meant every word, adding possibly more in love as well.
Kurt Cobain mural painted by Akse on the Bread Shed in collaboration with Headstock in support of mental health charity SHOUT | Credit: based on photo by Mark Webb / Avalon Mural supported by Skiddle.
This Version...
My plans were to purchase a new computer, some actual mixers and DJ equipment and work more on making my mixes (mixtapes) but this to me is no even enough, plus I have to put those buying plans on hold for the sake of our poor little house being in need of a 75” smart, gaming, ‘cheap’ TV because I couldn’t live with myself knowing he was still only gaming in 60fps when he needs 120fps! :)
Unlike most writers even, I have no plans or dreams to write a book. To me having my words in print online is enough. The reason which put me off the process of publishing a hard copy of a book, is that my Dad was elated to have written and published his own memoir… and look where that got him. No, it never killed him. He wrote it as one of his legacies and I have a copy that it hurts me too much to read. So it sits gathering dust, sending shooting pains into my heart and gut each time I see or have to touch it.
I tried to start writing fiction (short stories) but I can’t do it and more to the point why would I want to? It’s like lying. I am shit at lying ( obviously I do lie, not an angel here ) but I hate it and most people would say that I “can’t lie straight in bed”. Its not my strong suit. I don’t have a strong suit only my thick skin which feels like its fucking transparent. Thick my arse! LOL
I don’t look at myself as stagnating but I am starting to believe that I should invite or at least try to introduce some sort of traction. I always wanted to stay right where I am but just get better at doing it. IN my relationship, with my mental illness, in art, music and creativity. In accepting myself. If I can accept bare minimum in my lifestyle - in fact I thrive in the minimal.
Then why can’t I accept myself as I am right now, as imperfect. If I can deal with having less than enough in real life, why do I hate not feeling like I as a person am enough? Why can’t I be enough for me (just me, at the very least!). This is an area I will work on this month. If you have missed any of my other publications, blogs, newsletters lately have a look at the latest.
Since Christmas and the paranoia, bad attitude, poor expression and projections of myself as a human being; I believe I have made much more progress. There has certainly been a shift in my perspective. Please consider subscribing to the ‘daily’ chase which soon will be more frequent (with a slight chance of a daily letter). Up until now my consistency has become sporadic. I have been dealing with Overwhelm and Low- Self Esteem. Not only that I let myself go a little too much… I felt embarassed for how much I revealed and how bad my approach was becoming. After losing people who used to be on board the entire way through my journey, I had to take a step back, hide under the bedsheets and give my head a fucking wobble. It was in those moments, hours, times where I gravitated back to music.
Which is why I need to figure out a system similar to what start up businesses used, and still do. I need to work out what my Minimum Viable Product will be. I’ll leave this here for now but I might be reconsidering keeping ‘The Daily Chase’ going. I want so much to keep it running and show up more consistently, so I need to think about what plans and schedules to put in place.
On a final note as this has been quite a hard write for me today. I have been given a new lease of life and all I did when it was presented to me was shit myself and shit all over my existence. It sounds far fetched but it was like all that pent up emotion, fear of dying, terror at the health scare, shock at the response I got, disgust at how other people acted around me while I was going through this thing where I was constantly stuck in my own head. I had held it all together like wearing a too-tight pair of jeans, then boom.. I unzipped and let it all out. A messy bloated belly of bad behaviours. At least its all out of my system for now.
Quick new year plan to integrate back into my ‘daily’ resolutions?
Fitness, walking, running (haha!) - I couldn’t run a bath at the minute, in my state. I do wish to get out more. Small steps.
More intention.
Letting go of old ways of thinking or dealing with the thoughts I have because let’s face it, none of that shit has been beneficial to me, us or anyone else. It’s always been detrimental - especially to my health and well being.
I need to spend more time OUT IN THE WORLD and even more time WRITING AT MY DESK. Which has had a spring clean, this is me below in my makeshift ‘office’ my writing space, cosy corner.
Thank you for being here and listening to me by reading my ramblings which are sometimes bonkers and borderline ‘toxic’ existential meanderings.! With that I send you BIG soft HUGS!!
Warmest Regards,x
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EXIT SONG click image for link to my most recent personal mixtapes:
https://youtu.be/POjLmu-e824?si=H-ZaPJ01IaELNL5e
nice.... writing is catharsis.