What Shall We Do Now!?💗
CONFESSIONAL: Perspectives - Lonely vs Alone - Situational Depression - Friends - Musing You! +SOUNDSCAPE MUSIC🎧🤍
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ENTRANCE SONG INCOMING…(0_o)..!!
Dear Chasers💗
I’m fighting a losing battle with myself and somehow I’m still in the running for a place in the final battle. I’m winning from the wrong angle. The worst side of me is getting the better of us and I am losing my shine and light. I keep talking about leaving a light on. I try to be a beacon of light for others when I am also in the dark. This is going to be a bit of a messy ‘essay’ it’s more like a diary entry or something I should keep in a journal. Not so unlike all of my writing and musings of late. I just hope you are all having a wonderful, relaxing time, a better time than myself. I’m guessing I have that thing I keep seeing pop up. Pre- New Year ‘dread’ or post Christmas ‘blues’ or how about the truth? - it has nothing to do with the time of the year, I am just completely fucking miserable. I blame my life and my relationship. I am desperately trying not to blame this entirely on myself. I know so many people who are going through loneliness worse than this and there’s nothing I can do about it. Only there is one lonely soul out in the world that I would love to be with and we can lick each other’s wounds and enjoy each other’s warmth. I am stone cold freezing. There is nothing but ice in my life.
I keep trying to knock some sense, through love, into another person who I love so much - I am an absolute fraud. They say fake it til you make it.. Well, I can’t and I don’t. Not saying that I wouldn’t and I will if it works one day. I am surviving on threads of hope. Hoping my ability to love will reflect back onto me in a way which might make me lovable one day. I feel like I’m talking in mini-riddles and sound a bit vague. That usually means I am hiding something. Just a heads up.. Anything I have to hide is wrapped up in my desire to love and be loved in return. I can’t focus on this kind of delicate conversation with my boyfriend (who we call ‘husband’ and ‘partner’ and ‘cunt’ sometimes). It’s all in good jest and stuff. I can’t discuss my feelings with the man who I cannot trust to protect them. Another thing is; it’s not his job or place or responsibility to protect my feelings at all. All I ask is that if I share them with you, just, please don’t shit all over them mate! He would and he does. I hope not intentionally. I am too weak to understand the dynamics of logic and anything from his rigid perspective and then when I do try to reason with his accuracy, I crumble, knowing my argument is stronger but the fact that I am distracted by another opportunity to love another, creates a massive crack in the arrangement. In other words, because I seem to be stuck in a lofty vision, my head is hurting and I’m trying my hardest to be diplomatic.
MUSE - GHOSTS (HOW CAN I MOVE ON) (Official Visualiser)
I can’t of course say everything exactly as it is but, as I touched upon in a previous letter to you, I have difficulty writing anything that isn’t TRUE and have trouble keeping the TRUTH out of conversation - unless I feel bad about my truth and I do. I am in a situation where all the love I had to give to my partner of 13 years now, the unconditional, irrational, explicitly insane and uncontainable incantationable love; I feel it has transferred onto this magician of a muse who I have never met and can’t get into, due to guilt by association, this is a real famous person but not too famous to get away with having a stalker.. I’d die if people put two and two together and realise that I’m not just talking about my ‘lifelong’ devotion to my dreamboat, all round perfect specimen of sex! Mr Robbie Williams! Hahah!
I just need you all to know that I don’t choose to love someone else, I’m not actually cheating (although, I know my heart kind of is) emotionally, conversationally and I’m fucking myself stupid with sapiosexual energy. I am so turned on by this muse who says nothing to me directly, who dismisses me frequently and who has maybe only the slightest inkling of how much I fancy him and his mind and it’s all about me! I see his behaviour is exactly that of what my worst nightmares are made of and I run towards it, like I am chasing my trauma or something. All I know is that I could love that man but would never cope in anything more than what we have now which is nothing but a fantasy, I thought fantasies were all about imagining perfection in an imperfect world. A fantasy being where you see nothing wrong, no flaws, no problems, no chaos, nothing that scares you. This is NOT a fantasy. It can’t be. It’s nothing and its more than any force I have ever felt. I am being pushed towards this other life. Maybe I am healing? Facing my fears by jumping out of the frying pan into the fire. I won’t run away, I won’t jump into what would be a fucking volcano but it really terrifies me that I want to. I hate my cheating heart.
I don’t know why I want to love this Muse person so much and I would never ‘have my cake and eat it’ - I could get a slice of the muse’s cake if I wanted to, I want to but I don’t want to want to. I won’t leave unless I am prepared to leave to be alone. I will never jump ship and I would never try to have a ship in two ports. I don’t do that sort of thing, I am never letting go of my love for my partner because I love him as much as ever. I know he loves me but our love is volatile (not toxic) because we can survive it. I’m always the first in and last out of any relationship, except in my career where I’d resign from work before they could sack me. Jump before being pushed. Same when the voices said they were going to come and kill me and I didn’t know where or who or what they were. So, I fucked them up by killing myself first. Ironically, the voices were me, they were me and they said they were going to kill me and we almost did.! Just another bizarre little realisation that sometimes everything is exactly as it seems and we over romanticise the mystery behind it when there is none, we avoid looking at ourselves in the mirror - instead we check out hair or a spot on our forehead, our lipstick and side profile from a foggy viewpoint - never truly looking at ourselves properly..! Boz-eyed to the reflection we see in selfies, always zoomed out and blurring our own vision because we are afraid to accept that everything is how we see it. I sometimes hate my eyes for doing this to me - not just in the mirror or selfies but in life and the entire world around me.
I long for someone else who gets my unconditional love and undivided attention, my pulse races, I love them so much and forgive their faults and bad behaviours because they’re not intended towards me but deep in the crevices of my brain, I am not so stupid to believe that they’re flawless and I would be treated like perfection by them if they were mine and we were in this situation that I am in now. I should afford all this devotion and respect and forgiveness towards my actual long-suffering partner instead. Maybe, that’s where all the problems are coming from, the cracks in our relationship have resulted in distance and damage because I stopped ‘taking his shit and started complaining back’. Even my complaints are changing. I am slipping into a depressive episode I can tell because I no longer care to say how much I detest his mind numbing, game show TV programmes, or the way he turns the sound down on mute when the advertisements come on - I notice it happening and flinch but I’m too cold to moan or mention anything. That’s another thing. I usually do consistently complain about the house always being so freezing cold. I used to haggle for some heat to be approved. I used to plead for the radiators to be turned back on and when that never worked; I would wait for any given opportunity to turn them on myself and ask for forgiveness rather than permission but today I sit here shivering, my knuckles are white my hands are ice cold and all I can muster to do about it is pull my sleeves down over them. Even the effort of doing so feels so difficult.
When I am not in depression my regular complaints are:
Please stop asking me to do six things at once every time I get up to do one thing for myself, and if it’s that urgent why won’t you do it yourself!
Please don’t kick off if you’re drinking tonight.
Please stop shouting and bellowing at me we’re only discussing what we fancy to eat. (He has a very loud voice and it appears to me that he is constantly talking at a high decibel level for no reason. It annoys me!)
Please stop passing me everything you’ve finished with so that I then have to get up and take it to the bin or kitchen or bathroom or wherever the fuck it’s supposed to go and don’t pile all your discarded shit onto my seat on the sofa so I can’t sit down until I’ve done the same as above.
Please, please, please always lock the doors when you come in or go out. Keep the chain on the front one when we’re inside.
Fucking stop blowing your nose on my clothes while I am still wearing them! Stop wiping your greasy hands or anything off you and onto me when I’m next to you.
Don’t use the hoover right next to me I can’t stand the fucking noise.
Please don’t leave me - I love you !!
Now, I had to keep this real and write about the real moaning that I know I do all the time. I hate nagging and like to think that even though I don’t nag it’s still a negative aspect of me (because in my eyes the people who do nag are just being responsible, organised,and more adult than I even could be). I don’t nag because I don’t like to be nagged either. I do complain a bit but only when provoked. I added the last few ‘issues’ that I often have because I don’t feel too sorry for myself when I take note that he accepts my faults as well. I am insufferably insecure and needy some of the time. I say strange things out of the blue and make weird connections to everything and sometimes miss the actual point. The things I think I might complain about when I feel depressed (he says, “you’re NOT depressed I always see you smiling, laughing and joking with your mum - you’re NOT depressed!”) so, I’ve started to feel like a bit of a fraud when it comes to my sadness now. All I can tell him is that the places where I used to find joy I don’t even like to go anymore (metaphorical), stuff I always enjoyed feel pointless, embarrassing, useless and too much of an effort. I hate the person who I am. I don’t want to live this life anymore. I try to remember the good parts of my life and all that comes up are the once-buried memories of hard times that I now believe I deserved. On a good day,
I bury the past shit. The hard shit. No point saying that I should deal with it, I already dealt with it, this is how I dealt with it. I don’t want to relive the past to get over it. I am over it. It’s not the past that haunts me. It’s the ghost of who I used to be, who I am now, who I want to be and who I would be if that shit had never happened.
Yet on these really bad days, it doesn’t just ‘come up’ I drag it up kicking and screaming, then boil it up in my brain, then swallow the pain over and over, my digestive system says: This is just the proof that all your life nobody has liked or loved you. They do and did this all to you because you are worthless and they don’t owe you any respect. It’s true the secret is out. You know this Chasey. Everyone sees you exactly how you see yourself when alone. Don’t ever try to cover it up with humour and confidence and pride and ego. No, no, no… none of that shit washes with me. We both know life in itself is a tragedy and why are you always constantly expecting something good, something better to happen eh? You had the best bit and lost it, you’ve got the good stuff now and it’s only downhill from here!
I don’t know what the fuck is going on for me lately. I have been going out of my mind with suspicions and paranoid thoughts. I find myself ruminating on random things that pop into my mind unexpectedly. I blame the universe, like I would never have remembered that comment or that thing so why now, out of the blue, has it popped into my head? It’s a sign, a sign I say!!
I have one other stranger-friend completely platonic without any boundaries being broken and if or when he reads this.. he will know I adore his work, his art and music (I’ve yet to hear him play his own instrument (there’s a clue) NO PUN HONESTLY ;) no, just to clarify I am talking about his drums! I consider him a true caring friend to me, and he is the most beautiful person, a kind man, and an absolutely amazing creative! (YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE MISTER AND YOU SAVE MY SANITY, SOOTH MY SOUL, AND WARM MY HEART WITH EVERY MESSAGE - NEVER STOP BEING YOU!) So, he really understands that I am reaching out to him, I am dedicating this video clip to him! x.
You are an amazing person who I knew I could trust the moment you wrote back to me, the minute I heard your voice I knew I wanted to reach out to you. You have no ulterior motives. You are a wonderful soulful man and I am tearing up now. Reminded of how much I am blessed. I appreciate my friend ‘Brian’ a stranger is only a friend we haven’t known in person and feel like we’ve known our entire lifetime. I want to say thank you for caring!x
