"Worth It..!?"💗 [16.01.24]
Slice of Life - AIR QUOTE ABUSE - Confessional🍷🎧🤍
If you like your newsletters without politics or preconceptions or seeking a break from the norm you may have just found your new hangout
16 January 2024
Dear Chasers💗
I woke up this morning and my hair was a complete gorgeous bedhead. Not a mess, not like a bird’s nest, not stuck to my head and scruffed up at the back like I’d been dragged through a hedge backwards. A real sexy windswept soft luxurious ‘himalayan palm tree beautiful’ haha! - it was then that I knew today would be a good day because let's face it, the only time bad shit happens to us is when we are already physically rough, forget mentally disturbed like for some of us we are never quite undisturbed even when our hair does look like “I’m Worth It”. Shit always happens when we have six stubborn zits on our face, stubble around our fanny area and/or hairy legs, armpits optional, hair like a gorilla’s arse and maybe a cold sore or two - so when we scream with despair, the corners of our mouth scream subsequently. Extra pain and rage. It’s inevitable that those days we should stay out of the way, maybe in bed, and where possible avoid heavy machinery. It was one of those days not so long ago. I felt alright, hadn’t looked in the mirror or expected anything untoward. In fact it was longer than a day, a weekend perhaps and it all started when this happened.
Seriously conflicting emotions have arisen since I last reached out to you, holding my hands up right off the bat, these experiences have definitely been exacerbated by drugs and a bit of drinking which only ‘went wrong’ and provided us with much more evidence that drinking is not my strong suit. I’d like to ask myself this; is it me that really creates the issues we face (lack of enjoyment and conflicting opinions) whenever I drink alcohol or is it the company I am keeping that causes the problems (shit atmosphere and negative energy)I mean I really tried to be cool and have fun, I even danced for fucks sake (I have two left feet and I’m the size of an elephant, not to mention - an awkward as fuck personality!) he just wasn’t feeling it like I was but that doesn’t prove anything in a court of law. I still want to dive into the mystery of things surrounding my unimaginably weird relationship and the strange rollercoaster of fucked up feelings, impressions, healing, and repression (I use that word mildly - I know I shouldn’t because “there are people in a lot worse situations” but it still represents the way I feel and the frustrations attached to it.
We are usually always in a rubbish financial situation where we have enough to get by from payday to payday, just enough to pay some debts (family and dealers) amongst regular utility bills like Gas, Electric, Internet ect. We can afford to eat well - we’ve leaned towards the Carnivore Diet again because it's the most affordable and sustainable way to fill our freezer with steak (bought it bulk) and any extra money we have we can buy takeaways and emergency supplies like toilet roll and washing up liquid. We get by is what I’m trying to say but we are not anything close to being comfortable - financially. We make poor choices in our position of wealth and many people would consider us to be within the poverty bracket. We could live better if we made better decisions. We are not only shit at budgeting but we are daft with money full stop. So, when he won some money on an online slot machine, good money too, we had a few excellent days of self indulgence. Funnily enough, we didn’t spend much of the winnings on drugs - however we spent a small amount on them and THEN reverted back to the way we would usually do it, we got ourselves back in debt again by buying 10g of cocaine over a 2 day period. It worked out that for £700 we had two ‘enjoyable’ nights in total. I say enjoyable in air quotes, and even more mildly than the word repression. It’s almost laughable how we spent those few hours each of those nights, once Lola (our puppy) was soundly sleeping. I managed to accidentally do something with this ‘JustClingingOn🩷’ newsletter where it’s no longer visible on my profile anymore. I am writing this with the intent on finding out if it still works and goes out to everyone the same way. All I thought that I was changing or updating was my email address to substack, I ignored the warning to say: doing this is irreversible, because I was too twisted to read the rest of the message or even comprehend why it was suggesting this caution to me! I mean of course ‘I won’t be arsed if I never use my old email address again..’ (famous last words lol).
EDITED: I have now gone back to my previous email address and possibly my old @chaseyd handle also!
I still have no idea what has happened but it’s quite obvious that something bad has happened and once I have spilled my guts on here, I will hopefully find out what. I might have to create a new publication in which case I will do so with caution. I might even do that in the future too because I just remembered that I changed my handle too, oh I’m so confused. This was the least of my problems and curiosities though. While I am on the subject of Substack changes, I’ll just let you know (if I haven’t said this already - I mean it’s been a minute and I feel like I’ve been missing in action for months in hibernation! My brain is so fudged!), as of the other day I have turned DISABLED MONETISED SUBSCRIPTIONS for the entire future - which in my world could mean at least a year 🙂 who knows maybe in the future I might take myself and the words that I write, in much better regard than I do right now, maybe I’ll gain a greater amount of Chasers too (I hope my Chasers will still keep growing as FREE ONLY subscribers).
I currently have ZERO EXTRA TO OFFER anyone and I am definitely too unreliable to become accountable for people paying for my stuff. This is not just me coming across as humble or uninterested in payment, this is me saying it how it is. The main reason I turned it off was because I have an incredibly Loooooog Amazon Wishlist filled with incredibly important items that need whittling down, one way or another. HAha! 😜 and I did find out that it wasn’t my mum who had purchased the lipstick.. It was ME apparently as it must have been in my basket at the same time as I bought Antiseptic Ear Drops for my dog! So well done me…!! thank ye, thank ye, thank ye… 👏👏👏 Below are some pictures of me sporting the gift to me from me *rolls eyes* - what a waste of £3 quid that was, I look like a right trollop, cutting it like an idiot with ruffled neck jumper and curtain tie-backs tassel hair! No wonder my partner says my hair is “lovely - just like rope - lovely” 😂
Well, I bought a bottle of cheap wish-it-was White Chocolate Baileys and White Amaretto from Aldi with a quid can of pink gin & tonic. That's it. Nothing more than a little drink, nothing too strong or heavy going. I bought my partner 12 cans of the Aldi version Stella (instead of 18 cans to which he is accustomed). We agreed to just have a ‘little drink’ together - anyone who has been reading me for a while might or might not know that I am strictly not allowed to drink alcohol. The restriction is unreasonable (in my eyes) and in place by my partner of 14 years now.
Of course because of this restriction, I was so excited to get a bit tipsy with him for a change, without him constantly being on edge thinking that I might ‘kick off’ at any time. I was hoping he’d be relaxed and happy like he is when he is regularly getting smashed with others or even on his own with me here. I was expecting a bit of music, having a good laugh and maybe a bit of reconnecting and regaining a bit of closeness and shit. Well, I got the shit. I was in the thick of it with a man who wasn’t happy one bit with my selection of drinks, I apparently had far too much and should have just got a bottle of wine. I told him that I wasn’t in the mood for drinking cat piss! I guess it felt like it does when you order a couple of items online from ebay, and it looks like you have a load of shit to look forward to, and you do look forward to it - when it arrives you open it, sit it in it’s correct place and then feel the gentle flow of anticlimax. I felt that after the planned drink. Here’s where I could complain for another 1000 words or so but because I have sat on this post for a day or say - and although unplanned, I have come back to it with a better head (or hair!) today I wish to just discuss my conflicting emotions more vaguely. It was those spotty and run down days where I typed everything in a linear ‘this happened, then this happened’ kind of way. I’m done with all this now but I still wish to discuss the original content with you, so if you’re up to it, I’ll crack on now. Best foot forward.
“Have you ever been so depressed and hurt and confused without any understanding as to how the person who you love the most in the world, supposedly your soulmate, best friend and partner can have such a low opinion of you? Then the more you sink into this pit of despair the more you need them but they are too busy being unconcerned, telling you that you are NOT DEPRESSED because you ‘were humming a song to the dog earlier’ and then the utter audacity of them to sit there happy and smiling and singing and joyous - to the point you feel like you have no choice but to wait for them to say anything at all like ‘what’s up with you Chase?’ to tell them to fuck off you smug little cunt! Then in the back of your mind you start wondering if it’s you that’s in the wrong after all.”
My daft little mind starts wandering back and forth in a muddle of ‘I deserve to be appreciated, I didn’t deserve that comment, he doesn’t love me or he wouldn’t.. I hate him, he is cruel, he is mistaken, he has such poor level of opinions of me to backtracking in another direction, like I don’t deserve him, I am all those things, he does love me, I’m the cunt, ‘soulmates are meant to be a mirror reflecting you back onto yourself’ (yeah that’s my most cringe consideration but I actually thought it!). It’s fucking ridiculous!! I even got myself so twisted up in self-reflection and working out why I feel so hard done by and like Miss fucking Marple trying to work out the ‘who done it…’ but ‘who is right who is wrong?’ I started getting delusional and the residue psychosis from the drugs had the fucking television ‘laughing at me!’ and just because I saw a comment he left on a girl’s tiktok (about the carnivore diet, all appearing innocent) - I asked him to prove that he DID win the money and that the girl in the video hadn’t sent it to him because she is rich, and I am shit and he fancies her because he liked something. It annoys him but destroys me. It always feel like I am the only song he doesn’t want to sing and he is already the voice inside my head.
As you can see none of this is really constructive and there’s more stuff that is happening around my very romantic relationship.
I feel like I’m going under trying to revisit the shit stuff. I guess I just want to try and send this letter out to you all and start afresh another day because I don’t wish to waste this ‘good hair = good feeling’ day today by going over the rubbish week before. I will be leaving you here with our EXIT SONG… xxxxx
Yours humbly, (and forever weirdly) yet considerably yours! HA! Love, Chasey Delaney💗
